How Ignorance leads to Abuse
Posted: Monday, March 15, 2010
by Jennifer Stewart
Stepping out of History
Walking home along the beach from the caf yesterday I passed a group of young men probably in their late twenties and early thirties, with two small children, still toddlers. The men were having a great time taking photos, laughing and full of infectious energy. I didn't register at first what they were doing.
When I did I could hardly believe what I was seeing. One of the men was dragging one of the toddlers down to the water's edge. In and of itself that was fine - except that the child was screaming violently in fear, squirming, trying to get out of the man's grip. The man then dumped the child in the water and run back up the beach to join his friends. They all laughed hysterically and mockingly at the child's terror as it tried to run away from the waves. Uphill, Falling down, scrabbling. The men were laughing at the tops of their voices, taking photographs . As soon as the child got up towards to them, the man picked it up and forced back to the waves. The audience roared with amusement. Amusement at a child experiencing terror.
They kept on laughing at first although now their laughter was pointed at me - but I carried on saying please, this isn't funny for the child. Who moved up quite close to me. I touched his head. I said "look, he's such a tiny child". Then the man with the camera stopped laughing, and said "you're right, this isn't good". And they all stopped laughing. They actually hadn't realized what they were doing. I can't get my head around it.
They weren't bad men; they were just totally unaware of the child's experience of his vulnerability. How is that possible? He was screaming, there was no way that could have been mistaken for pleasure. Usually I perceive abuse as being about a bad person. But this wasn't about bad men. It was about ignorance. It was a sobering experience.
I walked on, and looked back. The man who'd been forcing the child down the beach into the water was walking, holding its hand. Very lovingly. He was the father.
I know that just from a selfish place, it was a huge relief to see the (albeit unconscious) abuse stop. It was an amazing feeling to be the one who got it to stop. I usually don't get involved, but I had to yesterday. I just couldn't walk away. Now I hope they don't punish the child because of it. I fear that in some ways they will.
Adults can be so unaware of children's sensitivity and needs. It makes all the molecules in my body fizz around wildly. I wasn't angry yesterday, and I'm glad I wasn't, I'm glad I was able to be gentle and understanding. I'm glad I didn't judge the men, because if I'd been angry they probably would not have listened to me. And I wouldn't have helped the child. And they would have punished the child.
But today I'm angry. I want to be big enough and strong enough to be able to physically bully and terrorize those men until I see in their faces and panicked bodies the same terror they caused in the child so that they can really know what they did. It's not good, I know, but what did they think the screaming was about? Or are children so unimportant to them? Why was it funny to terrify a child? What kind of monsters are they?
I want to pick that child up and hold it, and show it that there's nothing wrong with its fear. I want to see it feel safe, be able to trust, smile and be happy in its world. I want to take violation of its vulnerability out of the equation of its life. I want to protect it from the savage emotional abuse caused by ignorance. I want to take it far away to a safe place where it never gets hurt ever again.
I do.
I can't do anything about that child. Did I make it worse for him or did I at least give him an experience of what it is to be protected by a woman from the bullying of ignorance? What if he has nightmares about the ocean, will somebody come to him and hold him and ask him what's the matter? Will somebody show him how not to be scared of the ocean? Will someone take him seriously? Or will they just laugh at him?
The man shoving him towards the water was his father. Will he be more sensitive in the future or will he be worse? Was there anything I could have done to make it better? I walked away clear that I'd been kind to the men; I didn't laugh at them, or humiliate them, I didn't abuse anybody, but maybe I pressed the father's button.
I don't feel angry any more. I feel sad.
Sad about whatever happened to him when he was a child that turned him into such an ignorant bully who could get off on his son's terror. Sad about the culture that perpetuates that kind of insensitivity. The sins of the father...
(c) Jennifer Stewart 2010
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Thanks for this article. Ignorance sometimes leads us all to do stupid things. We have to put ourselves in others' shoes
Thanks for your comment, Jack. And yes, we are all human!
What a moving article, Jennifer. I suspect you've planted a good seed with the father, hopefully with the other men too. Sounds like "macho" got WAY out of hand there, among other things, like the ignorance you mentioned.Thanks for the reassurance, Joyce. It really bothered me that I might have made things worse for the child.Thanks for the reassurance, Joyce. It really bothered me that I might have made things worse for the child.
Hi Jennifer,Seriously?????Oh! I didn't wish what I am reading is really happening (you saw the whole thing)How can this be? What has got the group of crazy people to be doing a thing to this poor child? and the monster is his own father? In future, this child will end up as abusive as his father.I once saw a movie clip on YouTube and a man was swinging a toddler in full swing up and down left and right twisting the baby's limbs and arms like an elastic belt. I dare not elaborate more.But Jennifer, you did a right thing about the scene. I would the same.
I am SO glad that you stopped and took a chance to try to help. Incredible story - well written, insightful but too bad it had to be written at all....what a terrible thing for that child!It's haunting, isn't it? But thanks for your support, it's good to know you believe I did the right thing.You took a risk but for the sake of that child how could you not?
Great article. Well done.Wow - amazing and thought provoking story. I admire your bravery in confronting these people.Thanks Connor, that's a really great stroke!
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