The Triumphs of a Technophobe and the Meaning of Life
Posted: Sunday, August 29, 2010
by Jennifer Stewart
Stepping out of History
I suppose it’s pretty normal to want to do something but be clueless and believe you can never figure it out. I thought I’d never be able to understand the terminology of home recording, what software to download, how to use it, how to understand the manual. The list of technical necessities has seemed endless. But all the things I couldn’t do, I’ve seen that others can, and with ease.
So it wasn’t likely they were insurmountable obstacles. Intellectually I could see that, but emotionally and practically? Life at an intellectual level is very easy, there’s no consequence to anything, and no challenge. But life at that very mundane and physical level, where you actually act and everything has a consequence, is another story.
I wanted to do something, but my ignorance seemed to be prohibiting me. The clash between the two - and not knowing what questions to ask, not having resources to pay somebody to teach me – created a pretty uncomfortable crisis. I floundered, I faltered, I had temper tantrums, I cried, I got scared, I lost faith, I questioned the universe and judged myself. At times I wanted to give up singing altogether.
But here’s the pretty amazing thing about life: when you’re coming from a place of absolute ignorance but powerful desire, somehow you nose your way around to finding the exact help that you need – even when you can’t identify it beforehand . You don’t find it with your intellect. It’s as if your desire is like water, it flows around obstacles, carrying you towards a solution that isn't of your making, but is a perfect response to the call of your heart - or is the answer to the question you don't really know how to ask! You can feel as if you’re faltering, and believe you’re getting nowhere, but it’s never true. When you look back, you realize that.
I don’t think it’s possible to get nowhere. I think all the time we’re alive our hearts and souls are speaking to us, directing us, even in the most mundane material / physical things, even when we’re not so good at listening. We hear them in the best way we know how at every given moment. Which is probably enough. Probably we don’t need to be more than we are to be able to find all the help in the world that we need and to achieve what we desire. Probably we’re not alone.
Abby Lincoln sings a beautiful song “Throw it away”. There’s a hand that rocks the cradle / and a hand to help us stand / with a gentle kind emotion / as it moves across the land / And the hand’s unclenched and open / gives supply to every thing / So keep you hands wide open / if you’re needing anything.
I wanted to do something, but my ignorance seemed to be prohibiting me. The clash between the two - and not knowing what questions to ask, not having resources to pay somebody to teach me – created a pretty uncomfortable crisis. I floundered, I faltered, I had temper tantrums, I cried, I got scared, I lost faith, I questioned the universe and judged myself. At times I wanted to give up singing altogether.
But here’s the pretty amazing thing about life: when you’re coming from a place of absolute ignorance but powerful desire, somehow you nose your way around to finding the exact help that you need – even when you can’t identify it beforehand . You don’t find it with your intellect. It’s as if your desire is like water, it flows around obstacles, carrying you towards a solution that isn't of your making, but is a perfect response to the call of your heart - or is the answer to the question you don't really know how to ask! You can feel as if you’re faltering, and believe you’re getting nowhere, but it’s never true. When you look back, you realize that.
I don’t think it’s possible to get nowhere. I think all the time we’re alive our hearts and souls are speaking to us, directing us, even in the most mundane material / physical things, even when we’re not so good at listening. We hear them in the best way we know how at every given moment. Which is probably enough. Probably we don’t need to be more than we are to be able to find all the help in the world that we need and to achieve what we desire. Probably we’re not alone.
Abby Lincoln sings a beautiful song “Throw it away”. There’s a hand that rocks the cradle / and a hand to help us stand / with a gentle kind emotion / as it moves across the land / And the hand’s unclenched and open / gives supply to every thing / So keep you hands wide open / if you’re needing anything.
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Top-level comments on this article: (9 total)You are bound to find your answers Jennifer. Isn't it amazing when we do look back we realize how much we learn?GraceIt is amazing, Grace. I suppose it's hard to see the progress we make because it happens in tiny steps.
I like the undercurrants of this article- they're comforting- Thanks Jenn- Always- EllaThanks, Ella. I'm looking for comforting stuff at the moment, things to reassure me life is the way it's supposed to be, as opposed to "omigod we've all messed up and we've got no more chances left".
Nice inspirational piece Jennifer. There is truth to the saying, "if you seek you shall find", of course may not always be what you wanted to find, but you will find out something that you didn't know before, and that may be what was needed to open another door. Thanks for sharing.I love that saying, David, and how you explain it also.
JenniferI loved this "when you’re coming from a place of absolute ignorance but powerful desire, somehow you nose your way around to finding the exact help that you need – even when you can’t identify it beforehand ." And thank you God there is another woman out there who throws temper tantrums at themselves, gets so flustered they cry and debate the logic of giving up!I also am blessed that I live out in the country with no real neighbors (I think down here in the south they call it red necksville) that can see when i get flustered, throw a tantrum, and collapse on the ground in deflation. LOLWonderfully honest article.mwahCarlaYou made me laugh, Carla, I'm so glad you do the tantrums too! I live in somebody else's house (she's upstairs) and have neighbors quite close, so it's a bit intimidating, but I've been able to get pretty creative! Just have to get that energy out my body in private, otherwise I dump it on people, or push it deep within.
Thanks for your supportive comment :)
I think the most frustrating thing I do consistently is not be able to spell a word well enough for it to show up as wrong with the right choice there on spell checker - but to spell it do badly that it doesn't even pull the correct word.... darn can I relate to you here! Well written!Very funny comment, Marijo!!
Hi Jennifer -...you bounce back with hope, regardless...thank you!I do my best, Renee - sometimes takes a while :)
You are right, we don't need to be more than we are... especially with google. Children of today cannot fathom what life was like before when the easy was to research a paper was to look at the volume of books known as the encyclopedia. Now we just type a few words in google and like black magic, loads of unreliable (and maybe some reliable) sources are sent our way. Amazing! I am pretty good with technology but I think if you are a technophobe, then your adversary is Steve Jobs. That man comes out with more cool crap that we don't need, but oh so want... and it gets worse and worse every year. I have yet to get an i-phone, I have yet to get tivo... but I suppose it is only a matter of time before I am an i-phone loving tivo watching media-a-holic. Good times!Re Google, it's a circus out there, pick your truth, but it's pretty incredible and a lot of fun. I saw a hilarious Jonathan Ross show last night, where he brought up Google search and typed in one or two words and let Google finish the sentence. Wish I could remember them. I tried to find them this morning but of course they've already been replaced. Aaaargh, somebody slow the world down! Of course I've never heard of Steve Jobs, but just hang on a minute while I go and ask Google...The worst thing about Google is when you type your own name in and the first page of results is a woman with the same name only she's a porn star!!
Your sentiments are beautifully expressed - a sort of anti-success model - but one I can really relate to. I love that maybe we are learning and living without any effort at all at times - isn't it such a peaceful idea. Thank you for sharing.Thanks, Lisa. Peaceful - that's a great way of describing it :)
Beautiful article Jennifer!I didn't know that you are so good at writting... the third paragraph, just amazing. I totally agree that we constantly get directions, ideas and guidances... sometimes negative, sometimes beneficial and it is on us to recognize the positive ones for us to be truly happy.Thanks, HyunSoung! I'm glad you enjoyed reading.
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