It’s Never Too Late, And Life Gives Us As Many Chances As We Need

I went on a script-writing course this past weekend, in Johannesburg. It was put on by the NFVF, a government sponsored organization which funds TV, film and documentary development. Over a period of about 3 or 4 years I've submitted 4 different script ideas to them and they've rejected them all, and not always politely either.

The first time they said all South African white women and blacks can't write scripts. That's verbatim, and it wasn't a white man who said it, either! The white men apparently could write scripts, because they'd read all the books. We silly white women and blacks apparently don't know how to learn from books. You can imagine my frustration. Not to mention down and dirty rage.

For the next two scripts I sent in they just said I didn't have a clue. I guess that was an improvement. Call me persistent, but I sent another application. And they actually acknowledged that I had quite a bit of talent. Ha.

But right from the start, they did offer for me to go on this course. The first time I said go to hell, because I wasn't looking for a course administered by racists and sexists, and I wanted money to survive on so I could write.

Second time they offered, ditto. I was pretty defensive, come to think of it, might as well admit it now. I had a tendency to interpret any kind of input as a personal attack. Well, in my defense, a lot of it was, and much of it unsubstantiated, which really drove me crazy.

But no matter what their side of the story was, I was afraid of finding out I was really a loser. Because at the core of me I believed I was. When you believe in yourself it doesn't matter what people say to you. Along the way to getting there it matters. It crushes you, skins you and leaves you raw, and no amount of pep talking can help. What you need in those times is love. Get enough love and you make your way to better self esteem. In theory it's easy. In reality it's a long and winding road. For everybody.

So their attitude was punitive and degrading. My defensiveness made me unteachable and closed to any gems of wisdom that might have been hidden in the morass of their prejudice, arrogance and ignorance that good teaching requires nurturing.

The third time they offered the course I still resisted. But the part of me that didn't want to risk finding out I was really a loser; and was terrified I'd be betrayed as I was in bankruptcy and wouldn't be able to hold myself together that part lost the battle this time. Maybe because I've developed a better self esteem since the last time I was really in the world I just didn't know it.

Isn't it strange, that we can be controlled by unresolved events in the past and not be aware of it until crisis throws it in our faces then in response to that crisis we can have developed all sorts of skills and self-esteem right at the core, and also not realize it?

I guess it's only when you put yourself to the test that you see how much you've changed. Since bankruptcy I've been terrified of the world. It took me about 6 years to be able to hear the phone ring, read emails, hear a car pull up outside, without breaking out into a sweat " they're coming to get me". I lost everything. Didn't want to risk trying again. Get blown up in a land mine and it's pretty hard to convince yourself it's a good idea to go and play in a field where there might be more landmines.

But if you don't test yourself and risk finding out the worst you can't find out the best, you can't realize that landmines have signposts. You couldn't recognize them before, but you can now.

It really feels as though life gave me a gentle push this time: "you're ready, you'll be fine, it's not going to be the way it was". Still, I had to go through a wall of fear that rose up like an emotional tsunami. Somehow I made it through that tsunami and got on the plane. And stepped into a completely different reality.

I had the most exceptionally wonderful weekend! My flight was paid for, and we all stayed in fabulous B & B's. Gorgeous dcor, big bed, big bath! We were driven to where the course happened, which was in a beautiful building. We were treated with respect and looked after.

The course was exciting and stimulating, and a whole lot of fun. The facilitators were knowledgeable, human and considerate. There was so much goodwill it blew me away. I felt so okay with being me, just as I am, and so safe there, held by people, life and by God / the Universe. For 8 years I've been yelling at God and the Universe , when am I going to get a damn break? Who am I kidding, I've dreamed of this kind of quality experience since I was a child.

I can't even begin to tell you what a miracle it felt like, to experience back-up and support and nurturing at every level, not just in my head. To see I'm not the child who got so hurt, or the nave woman who got betrayed and slaughtered in bankruptcy. I can live again in the real world with better skills, self esteem, and understanding of life. It's not too late for me. Everything's going to be okay. I experienced it, I didn't just dream of it.

I've changed, and so has the NFVF. They understand now that to be able to learn we need to be nurtured, and they pulled out all the stops to make sure we had the best learning environment possible. I get goose bumps thinking about it. I'm glad I didn't do the course before because it would have been a traumatic experience. I'm glad I had the stubbornness to say "I don't want this" when it didn't feel right.

It wasn't right then, but oh boy is it right, now! The course happens over the next five months, one blissful weekend a month. I get to fly 8 more times!!

What amazes me is that this door which has swung wide open into a world with a lot of light, love, fun, pleasure, stimulus and opportunity, has been open for quite a while. It didn't close when I wasn't ready to walk through. It stayed open for me, even when I tried to shut it.

I'm beginning to wonder if there aren't open doors all over the place, swinging gently on well-oiled hinges, just waiting for our readiness to walk through. Not judging or pressurizing us, just waiting, with infinite patience. Until we've done what we need to do and got to a place where our hearts and minds naturally open up as a consequence of the journey we've taken so far.

And it's never too late.