Making Dreams Come True - Love Lets You Remember You Don't Have to Give Up
Posted: Saturday, November 27, 2010
by Jennifer Stewart
Stepping out of History
I had an epiphany the other day. These past 7 or 8 years have been a time of learning that the enemy is within. Not as in I'm a bad person but as in I have a critical component that believes I'm worthless. I've had to learn that the problem doesn't lie in what people do to me not even what was done to me in childhood.
It lies partly in how I internalized those experiences as a child to form conclusions about my worth. And in how I now deal with challenges as an adult, whether they disempower and paralyze me or whether I can see them as a problems that have solutions, somewhere, somehow. But above all, the problem lies in that I forget how powerful love is. And that in the absence of enough of it, old ideas and old beliefs of being worthless and helpless run riot.
Lately I've been letting my imagination run with the idea that my life is over, that I've done the best I'm ever going to be able to do and I have to settle for things I don't want to settle for at all. I've felt overwhelmed, unable to deal with even the basics of earning enough to pay for rent and decent food, let alone all the creative projects that some part of me is burning to achieve in.
My energy dropped, I haven't wanted to eat or even walk to the shop to buy food and helplessness has flooded my body.
I've felt tired, weepy and terrified. Let's not forget angry. Is this the end of my life? I haven't wanted to tell friends or even to write about it on my blog, because I've felt ashamed. Then I got tired of even doing that. So I got real.
And friends responded. They let me be, nobody tried to pep talk me out of where I was and nobody criticized me. In fact some said they'd been there, they know how awful it is. They added that there's nothing wrong with me, and they believe in me. Something about that acceptance, from them - and from myself in letting myself be real - clicked something into place.
It doesn't have to be like this. I found myself remembering that solution is sometimes out of our field of vision, which makes it seem as though it doesn't exist. I can either stop there, believing it doesn't exist - and then my life is a misery, it's revolver time. I've taken refuge in the idea of suicide plenty of times in my life, but the truth is I don't want to die, I want to live, to give passage to all these creative ideas and passions that jostle about rudely in heart, mind, and soul. The thing I want to kill is the misbegotten belief that it's never going to be possible for me to give passage because I'm such a damn screw-up. That there isn't a solution. At all. In the whole universe.
Well, nobody with a passion for life can live under that kind of mental tyranny. So, I guess I have two options: either isolate myself and give the tyrant full authority and kiss my life goodbye, or reach out for love, which gives me the strength to tell the tyrant to bugger off.
Love and acceptance is like super-food, it helps me stand up to the tyrant, the enemy within. It lets me remember that the belief that I'm worthless and there's no solution for me because I'm such a screw-up isn't the truth. The love that I got flooded my body with energy, I was inspired, the tiredness in my body was gone. I made a list of all the different things I want to accomplish and realized I'm more organized and clearer in my head than I thought I was.
I saw what I've accomplished in this period that's been so challenging, emotionally and materially. It's quite a list that I have, with many different sections, but they all kind of slot into a master plan that is forming. It includes becoming financially independent, but not at the cost of my independence of mind and creativity. I have such a great therapist, and he once gave a seminar on what happens when a new part of your life opens up. First you have just a sense of discontent that you can't even really identify beyond "this isn't enough". Gradually it develops of its own accord into a dream, and at that stage everything seems pretty easy. You don't even realize that there will be any challenges.
Some people just stay in that dreaming stage, which is fine, there's nothing wrong with it. But for others it's too uncomfortable, so they take it further. If you engage in making the dream come true, you suddenly realize nothing is clear, and that your way is strewn with unforeseen obstacles. In fact, all is confusion. There will be moments of clarity, and others when you hit patches of fog and more confusion. You can't remember what the hell your dream was about, you're not sure if you're on the right road, or if you even want to be on it any more. You definitely doubt your capacity to succeed.
That's about where I am at the moment. Plenty of fog patches! I know from watching others that there comes a point where there's more clarity than confusion, and that so long as I stay on the road, gradually my focus will clarify, and that which I don't need will fall away. If I isolate myself and try to do everything alone, maybe it will still happen, but the journey will be torturous, and what's the point of that? I believe that the evolution of our dreams can accompany the evolution of our capacity to open our hearts and let people show us love - and to give love in return. The kind of love that's meaningful to us. Well, that's how I want it to be for me, anyway.
It lies partly in how I internalized those experiences as a child to form conclusions about my worth. And in how I now deal with challenges as an adult, whether they disempower and paralyze me or whether I can see them as a problems that have solutions, somewhere, somehow. But above all, the problem lies in that I forget how powerful love is. And that in the absence of enough of it, old ideas and old beliefs of being worthless and helpless run riot.
My energy dropped, I haven't wanted to eat or even walk to the shop to buy food and helplessness has flooded my body.
“Love and acceptance is like super-food”
And friends responded. They let me be, nobody tried to pep talk me out of where I was and nobody criticized me. In fact some said they'd been there, they know how awful it is. They added that there's nothing wrong with me, and they believe in me. Something about that acceptance, from them - and from myself in letting myself be real - clicked something into place.
It doesn't have to be like this. I found myself remembering that solution is sometimes out of our field of vision, which makes it seem as though it doesn't exist. I can either stop there, believing it doesn't exist - and then my life is a misery, it's revolver time. I've taken refuge in the idea of suicide plenty of times in my life, but the truth is I don't want to die, I want to live, to give passage to all these creative ideas and passions that jostle about rudely in heart, mind, and soul. The thing I want to kill is the misbegotten belief that it's never going to be possible for me to give passage because I'm such a damn screw-up. That there isn't a solution. At all. In the whole universe.
Well, nobody with a passion for life can live under that kind of mental tyranny. So, I guess I have two options: either isolate myself and give the tyrant full authority and kiss my life goodbye, or reach out for love, which gives me the strength to tell the tyrant to bugger off.
Love and acceptance is like super-food, it helps me stand up to the tyrant, the enemy within. It lets me remember that the belief that I'm worthless and there's no solution for me because I'm such a screw-up isn't the truth. The love that I got flooded my body with energy, I was inspired, the tiredness in my body was gone. I made a list of all the different things I want to accomplish and realized I'm more organized and clearer in my head than I thought I was.
I saw what I've accomplished in this period that's been so challenging, emotionally and materially. It's quite a list that I have, with many different sections, but they all kind of slot into a master plan that is forming. It includes becoming financially independent, but not at the cost of my independence of mind and creativity. I have such a great therapist, and he once gave a seminar on what happens when a new part of your life opens up. First you have just a sense of discontent that you can't even really identify beyond "this isn't enough". Gradually it develops of its own accord into a dream, and at that stage everything seems pretty easy. You don't even realize that there will be any challenges.
Some people just stay in that dreaming stage, which is fine, there's nothing wrong with it. But for others it's too uncomfortable, so they take it further. If you engage in making the dream come true, you suddenly realize nothing is clear, and that your way is strewn with unforeseen obstacles. In fact, all is confusion. There will be moments of clarity, and others when you hit patches of fog and more confusion. You can't remember what the hell your dream was about, you're not sure if you're on the right road, or if you even want to be on it any more. You definitely doubt your capacity to succeed.
That's about where I am at the moment. Plenty of fog patches! I know from watching others that there comes a point where there's more clarity than confusion, and that so long as I stay on the road, gradually my focus will clarify, and that which I don't need will fall away. If I isolate myself and try to do everything alone, maybe it will still happen, but the journey will be torturous, and what's the point of that? I believe that the evolution of our dreams can accompany the evolution of our capacity to open our hearts and let people show us love - and to give love in return. The kind of love that's meaningful to us. Well, that's how I want it to be for me, anyway.
This Article has been viewed 1,318 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
More commentsJennifer thank very much for taking on this issue. I’m with you and truly experienced it all myself and know what you are writing about.I believe we are on this planet to learn and to evolve.The art of doing it: stop taking all our events in life so very intense serious. It is just a form the way our life appears; manifest itself at a moment of time. It gives us a chance to learn how to choose and passing trough.Unfortunately the society, consumer society, our families, our parents, our ancestors, our teachers, the politicians, the church, our employers and you name it, were able and do it still at all times, creating parameters for individuals, what is healthy or unhealthy, good or bad, normal or insane to name a few things.There are humans which are going with this flow because they don’t realize they are having a real choice which direction they want to go to learn from an issue.Why do they not want to follow their inner knowing which you could call your soul and heart? Why do they want to follow the society BS?Very simple. They have never discovered their soul, heart because they are so feared, scared, terrified to make a step in a direction, which would cause them to collide with some or all of these parameters. These humans then start playing a role of person which they don’t really are but it’s the easiest way to come by and being loved by those who are making the rules for them.Unfortunately in their heart and soul they are very unhappy, sad, not satisfied with their life.They think they have done something wrong and are getting punished for that…But they play their role furthermore until they are getting so depressed they can’t simply not handle it in anymore. They have to seek help from a therapist. A therapist may be able to help and sure the patient will get prescription drugs to deal with this event. Once more: not the cause of the issue will be cured…only the symptom is treated.The pharmaceutical industry makes each and every year multi billions of dollars with that stuff and nobody gets really cured.I am having still great hope that more and more people are waking up, becoming more conscious, discover their true potential and are having the courage to step and start walking on their chosen life path, with no fear, because they are having this inner knowing they will be fine.It also prevents us from living in the past or in the future. When we start noticing: the universal mail delivery service sends us all the time messages. When we are present in the now, we are able to pick them up and putting them in our favor to work. It’s also good to be aware: if one thing doesn’t seem to work in our favor, take a closer look. May be we have just to wait for a little moment or take a slight detour, to make another step on our life path.When we are waking up and getting more conscious it will serve us as well to love, care and help other human beings. It is certainly a great chance to discover: we are pure love, we are loved; we are allowed to love ourselves.The times have by fare passed where it was a noble gesture to suffer for the sake of being a good person and get a better place in “heaven”.I believe more people are becoming conscious, Walter, and that because we are more conscious we see the reality of what people do to themselves and each other. I love your idea of the universal mail delivery service.
I know that love will find a new place in your heart and I am pray that you find that love. I enjoyed the article.Thanks, James, that's a really beautiful thing to say :)
True dat girlfriend. Time to proceed! See ya on the walk along.Yip, see ya!
Jennifer, thanks so much for sharing what had to be a painful self-realization. It lets all of us with internal doubts and paralyzing fears realize that we are not alone. And that there is a way out, if only we are open to love, reach out to love and have love reach out to us. Life and love do not end, I believe, if we remain open and willing to embrace both. Please remain willing and open.It's a pleasure George, and thanks for your comment. I will remain willing and open. I may go through periods where I shut the doors for a while, but I think it's okay to sometimes "come home" and regroup.
Jennifer Stewart, you have already suffered from being the author of screenplays and television, novels and bankruptcy and thoughts of suicide impotence. You know that the enemy is within. If it is not merly article, but expression of feeling.
If you really want to win the Innerself, do not research in the physical world outside. it looks inside. The proper way is to search within by meditation to the beat of your breath.
If you really want to look and experience within, videos Swami Ramdev yoga study. It is available free by searching on google or divyayoga.com site /
Some people of west like you visit for a week and attend the free yoga classes for a week at Divya Yog Institute Mandir (Trust) Administrative Office: Patanjali Yogpeeth, Maharshi Dayanand Gram, Delhi-Haridwar National Highway, near the Bahadarbad , Haridwar-249402 Uttarakhand, India I feel, it may change your life. I am his disciple, and if my help required ,is available. The rich and the poor of all religions and nations to visit this world famous yoga center in many thousands. Yoga center has acomodation good room arrangement of 5000 ane food vegetatarian all visiters. The costs are nominal. Otherwise, you can follow Swami Ramdev yoga center instructions on the internet.
India is super rich to search within by meditation, as America is super rich to search material world by living lavish life.Thanks for your comment, Gaurav. I'm not American, I come from South Africa, and I've never lived a lavish life. I've always known that life itself is more important to me than material things. But that doesn't mean that I can't appreciate some of those material things. For example, I play the piano, and in doing so, even though I'm not at all brilliant at it, I express my soul. To play on a really good piano gives greater depth to that expression.
But a really good piano costs money. We all believe different things, and I'm so okay with that. I believe that I'm here this lifetime to find a balance between the material and what my spirit needs.
Thanks for your offer of help, I really appreciate your generosity.
I find myself wanting to say all the same things to you that my friends and husband say to me when I"m feeling exactly as you've described. You are such a caring person (as evident in your writing Jennifer) and such a talent too, not only with your writing but your singing. One looking at you would wonder how you could ever consider yourself a screw-up. I understand though it's so much easier to love others than it is to love yourself. I'm told I am my own worst enemy and I know I'm certainly my own worst critic. I think you are a lot like that. I'm guessing many people experience similar feelings of worthlessness as you've described, but few talk about it as openly and honestly as you have. Writing is great therapy in itself, don't you think? Ride out this dark time, Jennifer, it will pass, it always does. (Until the next time) Reach out to friends because everyone looking at you sees you're going to succeed, you're just not seeing it now.Thanks for saying it, Brianna. It really does help when friends tell you what they see - and that they understand. It gives me something to hold onto. Yes, writing is a great therapy, getting my head around what's bothering me - and so is the response from everybody. This understanding, support and encouragement that you and others here on SearchWarp give so generously is like a kind of miracle for me! I love what you say about riding it out - and saying that the next time will come round, because that's what life is about, I think.
Jennifer, you write, "...the problem lies in that I forget how powerful love is..." - May all of us remember that and cling to that no matter what the circumstances are. Beautiful, honest article - why I liked it so much that I became a fan of yours - Best to you!Thanks for your generous comment, Judi, and welcome to my fan club! :)
All the tall comments indicate the acceptance of your article as a great one.It's a very heart-felt and inspiring article. Acceptance is so very much essential in life...Keep it up...Regards, ChiradeepThe comments have been amazing. Thanks, Chiradeep.
Hi Jennifer."I had an epiphany the other day. These past 7 or 8 years have been a time of learning that the enemy is within. Not as in I'm a bad person but as in I have a critical component that believes I'm worthless. I've had to learn that the problem doesn't lie in what people do to me not even what was done to me in childhood. " You could have written that for me!I'm always telling Bernd that when things go south at work or wherever that he needs to remember that I love him. I guess he needs to remind me of the same.Anyway, this was extremely well written and very much worth saying. Ain't life grand!Thanks so much and big hugs, DianneYes, life is grand, Dianne! I was thinking the other day about how hard it can be to reach out for love at that time when we need it the most. It should be the easiest thing. Gets easier with practice, right?Boy Jennifer, I wish I could say that it did. I think the problem is that when we are down in the dumps and needing love we totally forget that it is out there just waiting for us to grab a big handful. I don't know about you, but asking for help in whatever form has never been easy for me. But I've learned from learning to ride horses (so much seems to come back to that :)) that I can't figure everything out on my own, no matter that "my" horse is a good and patient teacher. I think often the unwillingness to ask for what you need stems from a desire not to appear incompetent in one way or another. Oh well. We muddle through as best we can. That we are all still walking this earth and able to talk about this is a testament to our tenacity if nothing else. :)
Big hugs,
Dianne
I love this expression, “Love and acceptance is like super-food". I like the way it flows with your thoughts in this piece. Great job!Thanks, James, glad you enjoyed it.
More comments
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.