Respect and Love Unleash the Power of Life so You can Live with Passion
Posted: Tuesday, December 14, 2010
by Jennifer Stewart
Stepping out of History
I’ve been thinking about what stops people from flourishing as adults. When a child with a lust for life and brightness of spirit is born, a parent who is threatened by it will start a culture of rejection and persecution. It can be physical or emotional, and very subtle, so most people don't even notice it. Even the parent can be totally unaware. But it’s relentless, and carried out 24/7 in every second of the child’s life.
The child instinctively accepts the role it has to play to survive in this hostile environment. It learns that it has very little or no value, and has no intellectual understanding of what’s happening. It also learns to hide its lust for life and doesn’t let itself shine. It learns how to read everybody so it can adapt its behavior to please and pre-empt persecution.
It also learns to suppress its own needs and emotions, because from its own perspective they create trouble. The parent can entrench that belief actively. So can siblings. Look how much trouble you cause is the message, either overt or covert, and often both. Followed by drop dead. This doesn't have to be about active, visible persecution. There can be lots of love mixed in, and it can just be a parent who doesn't know how to deal with their own pressing needs. This much I'm sure of: when a child doesn't get what it needs intrinsically, it concludes I'm worthless.
I believe we move out into the world with the beliefs we’ve formed about our worth from those early days. And we act them out. We may long to succeed – and try hard - but fail, time and time again, never understanding that what’s controlling us is our child interpretation of how we were responded to. Stand up for yourself, put your boundaries down, allow yourself to be important and claim what is yours – and you’re dead.
As adults we recreate our childhood. Adapt and do what you’re told and you can live. It’s a kind of tyranny. We can feel so utterly trapped. If I walk away, if I put my boundaries down, if I say you can’t manipulate me, will I then starve? It can play out in a thousand different ways in our lives.
I think what saves us is that although as children we did survive under that tyranny (but at massive cost), as adults we can’t. We actually can’t suppress how unbearable its gets when we don’t listen to our needs, whatever they are. We try to rationalize the behavior of whoever’s bullying us; we make excuses, whatever. But we can’t bend the truth. Not getting your needs met is unbearable.
Sometimes it takes a crisis to wake us up to what we’ve been allowing, to how much we place ourselves last, and treat ourselves in the same way we were treated as children. But eventually, you get too sore in your heart. At that point, the only thing that assuages the pain is when you stop listening to that part of you that says you have to let yourself be bullied. And you say no.
No to bullying. Yes to respect and love. I think they unleash the power of life. They allow children to grow into adults who flourish, and they heal wounds so that adults who were hurt as children can reclaim their lives and still have their day of living with passion and of flourishing.
It also learns to suppress its own needs and emotions, because from its own perspective they create trouble. The parent can entrench that belief actively. So can siblings. Look how much trouble you cause is the message, either overt or covert, and often both. Followed by drop dead. This doesn't have to be about active, visible persecution. There can be lots of love mixed in, and it can just be a parent who doesn't know how to deal with their own pressing needs. This much I'm sure of: when a child doesn't get what it needs intrinsically, it concludes I'm worthless.
I believe we move out into the world with the beliefs we’ve formed about our worth from those early days. And we act them out. We may long to succeed – and try hard - but fail, time and time again, never understanding that what’s controlling us is our child interpretation of how we were responded to. Stand up for yourself, put your boundaries down, allow yourself to be important and claim what is yours – and you’re dead.
As adults we recreate our childhood. Adapt and do what you’re told and you can live. It’s a kind of tyranny. We can feel so utterly trapped. If I walk away, if I put my boundaries down, if I say you can’t manipulate me, will I then starve? It can play out in a thousand different ways in our lives.
I think what saves us is that although as children we did survive under that tyranny (but at massive cost), as adults we can’t. We actually can’t suppress how unbearable its gets when we don’t listen to our needs, whatever they are. We try to rationalize the behavior of whoever’s bullying us; we make excuses, whatever. But we can’t bend the truth. Not getting your needs met is unbearable.
Sometimes it takes a crisis to wake us up to what we’ve been allowing, to how much we place ourselves last, and treat ourselves in the same way we were treated as children. But eventually, you get too sore in your heart. At that point, the only thing that assuages the pain is when you stop listening to that part of you that says you have to let yourself be bullied. And you say no.
No to bullying. Yes to respect and love. I think they unleash the power of life. They allow children to grow into adults who flourish, and they heal wounds so that adults who were hurt as children can reclaim their lives and still have their day of living with passion and of flourishing.
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More commentsAll You Need Is Love...And respect will follow suit.Indeed, Walter :)
Bullying is a serious issue that can be controlled with the right measures. It's difficult when the victim does not speak up about it. It is even more tramatizing for the child who is shy or timid.It is traumatizing, James. I think where there's bullying, both sides need understanding.
Your recognition and understanding is amazing- I'm so grateful to have you as a friend. Always- EllaThanks Ella. I love you too :)
You're describing a controlling parent, whose unhappiness is taken out on the child. Many people have made poor choices, and instead of taking responsibility, it is the child who bears the brunt of their anger or disappointment.I'm so glad I found the healing power of Jesus at an early age. The fact that healing is not just physical is one of the great things, that came from his sacrifice. As a recipient of those miraculous powers, in this life, I'm grateful that God did not leave us without answers.Thanks for commenting Elle. It's good that you found your haven.
I think the most important thing any "child" of any age can realize is that we are precious to our creator not based on what we produce but because He thought us up and loved us from day one. And we are created in His image. We are valuable and cherished. People will let us down but the Lord never does and never will. Good thoughts presented well here Jennifer.Thanks, Marijo. I hear what you're saying, but I believe that we can't dismiss the vital role that the experience of unconditional love from other people plays as well.
Hi Jennifer,your words appear heartfelt and directed towards healing wounds and creating a better environment for kids to grow and flourish. An excellent sentiment and well worth us all considering.thanks,GrantThanks for reading and leaving such a great comment, Grant.
Hi Jennifer.
I think you have hit on a very sad truth here. You've obviously been thinking long and hard about your own endeavors, the things that give you joy, and what you would like to accomplish in your life ... and why it is such a struggle.
I've often wondered if EVERYTHING "wrong" in my life might be traced back to my time as a small child and how my parents handled my exuberance. But don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good things too.
But my mom used to tell me stories of how when I was little, I would talk to anyone about anything, thought inanimate objects were alive, loved to paint and draw, talked to animals and insects and generally just seemed to float through life. As I grew older though, I became shy and fearful of what people would think of me and started withdrawing into a world of science (my father's desire) and "rationality." Although, I never did stop talking to animals, but sadly they stopped talking back.
Parents everywhere should read your article and think hard and long about how they handle the raising of their children.
Great job!
Big hugs,
DianneYes, Dianne, I'm wrestling something horrible! I think you must have been the most adorable child, and I'm so sorry that fear played such a dominating role as you grew older. As for talking to animals, it seems to me that you talk to horses pretty successfully! And maybe when they respond to you it's their way of talking back. You are my idea of what a horse whisperer would be.LOL! Really, I think that would more likely be Heidi than me. But thanks. I'm just grateful the horses like me as much as I like them!
Hi Jennifer, I really appreciate what you have written and believe in the power of love and acceptance in this world that seems at times, far-fetched but of course, that's not the end. That's just a lesson in life..............I often wonder why as a race we're still so oblivious to the core things that make life meaningful. I guess we're still learning. We're not so advanced as we think we are...
Jennifer's honest and insightful writing always reminds me to take a moment to truly think about the life situations she covers. I am a fan of hers on this site and her blog. Never a boring post.Sid I'm reading your generous comment on a day when I feel very unsure of myself and wondering whether I have any worth at all. Thanks, you've given me something to hold on to.
Wow, you have an amazing understanding and grasp of the child's psyche and human behavior. Are you sure you shouldn't pursue becoming a psychologist? Amazing article, an enjoyable and thought provoking piece of literature.Thanks, Sydney, what a great comment!
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