A Significant End To A Significant Year
Posted: Thursday, December 30, 2010
by Jennifer Stewart
Stepping out of History
Well Christmas is over, and 2010 is nearly gone. I’ve found myself almost without words as the accumulated pressures of a challenging year have come to a head in this strange season. It’s supposed to be about love and celebration of family and community. For some people it is, but for many it really isn’t. For many it's just about pretense.
So many people seem to be having fun, but so many others have either committed suicide, or longed to have the courage to do it, or have just buried their head in the sand and hoped with all their might that tomorrow, next week, next year will be better.
I didn’t seriously contemplate suicide, nor did I bury my head in the sand, but I did something this year I’ve never done before: I said to myself it’s enough now. Enough of the pressure, enough of pretending I’m doing okay when I haven’t been, enough of trying to be brave and cheerful when really I’ve been terrified. Enough of letting other people’s view of me determine who I am, and of trying with all my might to pass some kind of unarticulated test in my head with impossible standards that nobody in the world succeeds in living up to.
Enough of worrying what people will think of me if I don’t “achieve”. Definitely enough explaining myself and apologizing for who I am. Enough of not taking my life into my own hands and making decisions that I know are right for me. Enough of letting other people take the power in a relationship. Enough of hoping my mother will stop hurting me, stop manipulating my financial vulnerability. Enough saying “do I have the right to seek the backup I know I need?” Enough fighting and debating am I right, am I wrong?
2010 marks the year of me being the poorest in about 15 years. My prospects have seemed to have gotten dimmer and dimmer, my dreams have seemed very far from being achievable. I’ve tried hard to resuscitate them, and at times they’ve flickered with a spurt of brightness.
But I haven’t been able to sustain those dreams, and I've been getting increasingly desperate about it as I've got more and more frantic about money and the passage of time until they’ve become like some far away country I once visited a million years ago. Now at the end of the year I’ve no creative energy left at all.
It feels like the lowest point, which is a painful place, but it’s also the one where you face the truth of all the things you’ve clung to that are actually killing you. Things like beliefs that you don't have entitlement to meet your needs, to put boundaries down, to draw your line in the sand, whatever it is. In this low place I've suddenly faced the stark reality of how much energy these beliefs (and my acting on them) take out of me and that I can’t generate it any more. Ever again. I can’t come back here. People can’t always see from the outside when you’ve hit your limit. But you can, and that’s all that matters.
I've been waiting for people to tell me it's okay to claim my boundaries, my life, what I need. I've been waiting for my mother to realize what she's doing and to want to stop because she loves me. It doesn't work like that. I have to say it's enough, this is my line in the sand, especially with those who don't want me to draw it. You can't wait for them to give you permission, because they're never going to.
I’ve said it’s enough before, but never in this way. I've never felt so completely and utterly sure that what's exhausting me isn't my circumstances alone, it's that I haven't believed I had the right to a solution that made sense to me. I’ve always either been kind of pleading with God, my mother, my family, the Universe, or I’ve been raging in disempowered protest. But now I can feel that I’ve hit the core within myself, a place where I’m saying if I don’t change this, it’s over.
It’s a kind of quiet thing within, neither a protest nor begging nor pleading. I guess it’s just saying here, to me, in this moment of being with myself as 2010 draws to a close and I stop trying to please a merciless God and instead I let life embrace me, it’s okay to be real about what you need, it really is. Whether it's emotional or material. Just claim what you need. It's yours for the taking, it's your birthright.
I didn’t seriously contemplate suicide, nor did I bury my head in the sand, but I did something this year I’ve never done before: I said to myself it’s enough now. Enough of the pressure, enough of pretending I’m doing okay when I haven’t been, enough of trying to be brave and cheerful when really I’ve been terrified. Enough of letting other people’s view of me determine who I am, and of trying with all my might to pass some kind of unarticulated test in my head with impossible standards that nobody in the world succeeds in living up to.
Enough of worrying what people will think of me if I don’t “achieve”. Definitely enough explaining myself and apologizing for who I am. Enough of not taking my life into my own hands and making decisions that I know are right for me. Enough of letting other people take the power in a relationship. Enough of hoping my mother will stop hurting me, stop manipulating my financial vulnerability. Enough saying “do I have the right to seek the backup I know I need?” Enough fighting and debating am I right, am I wrong?
2010 marks the year of me being the poorest in about 15 years. My prospects have seemed to have gotten dimmer and dimmer, my dreams have seemed very far from being achievable. I’ve tried hard to resuscitate them, and at times they’ve flickered with a spurt of brightness.
But I haven’t been able to sustain those dreams, and I've been getting increasingly desperate about it as I've got more and more frantic about money and the passage of time until they’ve become like some far away country I once visited a million years ago. Now at the end of the year I’ve no creative energy left at all.
It feels like the lowest point, which is a painful place, but it’s also the one where you face the truth of all the things you’ve clung to that are actually killing you. Things like beliefs that you don't have entitlement to meet your needs, to put boundaries down, to draw your line in the sand, whatever it is. In this low place I've suddenly faced the stark reality of how much energy these beliefs (and my acting on them) take out of me and that I can’t generate it any more. Ever again. I can’t come back here. People can’t always see from the outside when you’ve hit your limit. But you can, and that’s all that matters.
I've been waiting for people to tell me it's okay to claim my boundaries, my life, what I need. I've been waiting for my mother to realize what she's doing and to want to stop because she loves me. It doesn't work like that. I have to say it's enough, this is my line in the sand, especially with those who don't want me to draw it. You can't wait for them to give you permission, because they're never going to.
I’ve said it’s enough before, but never in this way. I've never felt so completely and utterly sure that what's exhausting me isn't my circumstances alone, it's that I haven't believed I had the right to a solution that made sense to me. I’ve always either been kind of pleading with God, my mother, my family, the Universe, or I’ve been raging in disempowered protest. But now I can feel that I’ve hit the core within myself, a place where I’m saying if I don’t change this, it’s over.
It’s a kind of quiet thing within, neither a protest nor begging nor pleading. I guess it’s just saying here, to me, in this moment of being with myself as 2010 draws to a close and I stop trying to please a merciless God and instead I let life embrace me, it’s okay to be real about what you need, it really is. Whether it's emotional or material. Just claim what you need. It's yours for the taking, it's your birthright.
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More commentsKeep on chuggin' girl. Sometimes when we try to do it our way it takes a bit longer to get there, sometimes considerably longer. But the good side of that coin is that once we get there the rewards are generally far greater. Yours will be. Keep searching for the answers, and eventually the answers will find you. You know, that proverbial light switch. I'm rooting for ya.Thanks for your understanding and support, David and your belief that things work out in the end. Have a great New Year, and may this one be the best ever so far :)
You know what Jennifer? I fought along all the difficulties I have been facing through this year and just trying to runaway from the present. It got me nowhere until I gave up on myself and said, "I will just let things be as they are and be content with what I have and look for the inner peace. I will just try to enjoy the state of BEING" and it worked tremendously for me. Have a good New Year!I can relate to the fight, Shyam, and how it just doesn't get you anywhere. Thanks for showing me that just being works for you. I hope you have a really great New Year, also :)
I pray that things will turn around for you, but affirmations are a great way to reprogram your higher self(your oversoul) to do JUST that:"I have great bounty""I am happy, healthy and relaxed""Angels surround me and guide me towards a wondrous destiny"Repeat aloud and silently all day every day, before bed and when driving; give it a full month; the 'matrix' of your 'blueprint' will reset and propel you into your consciously chosen newly realigned destiny.Affirmations work MUCH better than prayer and always bring astounding results.Affection,PaulI agree, Paul, and like the one you've shared....I try to do affirmations when I walk and on the riverbank where people won't see me talking to myself...LoL!! I've got a bag of them too and one of my favorites: "I deserve the best in health, happiness and success ~ I believe I have the best in health, happiness and success" and seem to quote/affirm frequently the scripture ~ "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" from Philippians. I believe when you vocalize something it is very powerful and maybe more powerful or as powerful as praying on your knees! Happy New Year! SuzyThanks for your good wishes, Paul :)
Great write Jennifer. and peace and happiness IS your birthright. The world is changing, people are. Sometimes everything 'goes' because it is not in alignment with your soul any more. Like an old house full of junk, you have a clear out. It is happening to a lot of people, it is happening to me, and it is scary, although it is for the best. A good read for its honsty and clarity. I hope all your dreams come true. Many feel that we do indeed create our own reality. Ella is spot on, in my view. We may 'choose' on a soul level to be unloved as a means to try and get us to love ourselves.
CarolI like your metaphor, Carol. Thanks for your comment :)
I love you, Jennifer, because you are so real with yourself. Has life been unfair or God unjust ? I think each of us has a fair trial in life. Sometimes we want the thing so badly yet the thing never comes at that particular time we desire or need. We will say, "how come God didn't answer our prayer ? God is busy elsewhere with other people." and that despairs you.
If money gets in your way, is it because you misuse it when you have it ? Some people complain that they always don't have enough money. Why because they spend it all . They forget to keep some for a rainy day. I didn't have enough money either but I always have some left in my pocket so I always have money.
Finally, it's still God to bless. We turn to Him step by step and He will surely bless us bit by bit.
I wish you a blessed and happy New Year 2011 Jennifer !I love you too, Hilda, and no, I don't think that life is unfair or that God is unjust! I believe we each have our destiny to fulfill, and that we're all in different places in the timeline of our development.
Re the money, I couldn't comment on other people because I'm not inside their head or their experience. For myself, I'm very frugal with money...
I hope you have a wonderful year as well!
I've written and deleted my comment several times because I have so much I want to say but can't seem to find the right words. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I think you've found the answer though when you said, 'let life embrace me'. Stop knocking yourself out, let life take you where it will for a while. Anyone with your talent and your HEART is going to get where they're going. Remember us at SearchWarp when you get there. :) 2011 WILL be a better year.You're a darling, Brianna, the things you say always make me feel hopeful about life. I have to smile at the deleting thing - I do it all the time :) Thanks for believing in me, and I also think 2011 is going to be a much better year.
Hi Jennifer. Thank God, this is a new year and a new beginning! This year shall be great for you. I await your testimony.For you also, Ngozi?! Well, here's to a much better year for both of us, then :)
Sending you a big e-hug.... the truth shall set you free! Sounds like you had an honest "reality check time" year. You are so appreciated. It takes courage to be able to share your heart and that heart is beautiful and safe with us (here on SW) Lady, we are learning, growing (without too much groaning) and becoming even more who we should be with our honesty. Thanks for writing this one! Wow!I did have an honest reality check time year, Marijo - alas that the most growing comes from the most uncomfortable!
And I do feel safe here - the safest I've ever felt in a community - there's a lot of love and understanding in this cyber village. Thanks for all that you've shared with me :)Hugging you close again!
Jen,
You are registering what everyone in the world may be sensing-a shifting cultural/social/psychological paradigm for the next century. Perhaps there are two forces at the forefront: too much emphasis of being a global social network (mostly virtual) and the loss of individual identity.
We, as a global culture might have cast our nets too far away from ourselves-we need to reel them in a bit and feel comfort about where our feet are standing rather than overextending our sensibilities.
We all are what we are, not someone else who can achieve success in an instant by being someone we are not. Lady Gaga ain’t coming over for dinner.
There seems to be a tricky value humankind must balance, between looking outward and looking inward-too much of one makes us feel a bit 'astrophobic' the fear of not flying high enough from a socially-accepted perspective, or the fear of self-implosion.
We are basically simple people, mostly often satisfied by simple means-nothing more. The rest is people trying to sell something we don’t really need.
As always you've articulated it beautifully, Bing. I think we have two core needs also, - the need to connect at a real level and the need to express our creativity. Real connection, the kind that fulfills, can only happen in real time with ourselves and between two people who are honest to themselves about themselves.
I think as individuals and as a race we're not so good at the latter, yet, and we use our imaginations to project that inner need onto all sorts of material and exterior things, instead of using it to express our creativity healthily.
And then there's the inconvenient truth that we can sort it all out in our heads very easily and cleverly, but the actual doing is something completely different! It's an odd thing, being human...
Well put.
The best operative idea regarding the 'latter' is; find someone you are willing to give half of yourself away to-the trick is you don't get to pick which half!
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