War and Peace, Right and Wrong, and Being Accountable
Posted: Friday, April 22, 2011
by Jennifer Stewart
Stepping out of History
Some time ago I read an article by somebody who wanted Christians to take arms against the [perceived] invasion of Muslims. Well, nothing new there, isn't that what the Crusades were all about? I don't know why religious fanatics are so self-righteous about their religion, they don't have particularly all-embracing peace, love, power, beauty and joy philosophies or histories. It's more like kill the bastards if they disagree with you.
It always seems to come back to I'm right and you're wrong, and it's all rather exhausting. I understand the desire to wage war, of course I do. My pillow's looking pretty ragged, and quite a numbe of old telephone books have gotten torn up, thrown around and stamped on, then sent to telephone book heaven.
My vocal chords and imagination have been well exercised in thinking of and yelling obscenities when nobody's around, and my room looks like hurricane city when I'm done expressing. Clothes and soft things all over the place - nothing broken, though. If I didn't do it, I'd want to engage in real combat all the time.
If I have anger or fear that I don’t pay attention to, my imagination steps in and embellishes on whatever triggered it. Boy, can I write some good stories! The problem is, I believe them. It’s weird how in that state of mind my stories seem so real and true. I’m sure I can read other people’s minds, I know what motivates them without ever having to ask them, I generalize and form wild theories about humanity from my own very small experience.
And of course I imagine that the world is a place where nobody is safe and nobody is reliable. Which triggers off more anger or fear. And the more afraid and angry I feel, the more justified I think I am in “protecting” myself by attacking whoever triggered it off in the first place. Then I feel guilty and get into the debate, am I right, am I wrong. Since there’s no answer to that because everybody’s right if you look at them from their own perspective, I get angry and scared again.
It’s a kind of cycle of madness. Scary thing, my mind. If I don’t catch my anger or fear and do something about it I slip easily into that cycle, and sometimes I’m in it before I realize it. It makes me feel very righteous, but always at somebody else’s expense, and nine times out of ten I forget that that somebody is as human and possibly vulnerable as I am. It used to be that either I’d stay angry or afraid, acting out in a way that creates enemies for me and possibly even harms people, or I’d suppress my emotions and they’d start popping out at very inappropriate moments.
I used to think that the saying people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones meant if you’ve done something wrong don’t blame other people for doing the same thing. Now I think it means we’re all vulnerable, none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes. We all live in a glass house. Pay attention to what’s happening to you instead of judging others.
Pointing fingers doesn’t achieve anything except foster fear and hostility, and people who are good at it can really make the targets of their accusation feel worthless. But how does that help? When somebody makes me feel worthless I don’t exactly want to co-operate with them. It‘s unlikely to start a movement of better behavior. It just whips up anger and fear. And pretty soon everybody’s saying “it’s not my fault, you started it”.
Which is loads of fun for the ego, but it doesn’t make anyone happy. One thing I’ve learned, it doesn’t matter how much somebody’s behavior outrages me, I’ll never be able to persuade them to change by attacking them – even if it’s just telling them they’re wrong - because it’ll make them shut the door on me. I shut the door on people who attack me, why shouldn’t they? Because I’m right? Well, I’m not, from their perspective.
I’m not saying I have to like what other people do. I don’t. But I think there’s a big difference between I don’t like what you do or say and I’m pronouncing you bad and wrong. That’s why I always love it when therapists say so how does it make you feel? It kind of brings everything down to earth and back to reality.
Haven’t we all been so heavily conditioned with the concept of right and wrong? But it isn’t exactly an independent, solid and immovable reality is it? Even though we treat it like one. It’s more like a concept that we’ve evolved to help us feel powerful in the face of people we disagree with and to justify persecuting them. It’s also been useful in religions which rely on power structures.
I find it really hard to get away from, even though it’s so counterproductive and energy consuming. I have to constantly remind myself, this isn’t about right and wrong. I realized something a while ago, which helps me remember. The minute I find myself judging somebody as being wrong or bad – and it happens all the time, confessions of a – you got it, a sinner - it’s because they’ve pressed a button in me that I don’t want to look at.
Blast, I hate having to be responsible and accountable.
My vocal chords and imagination have been well exercised in thinking of and yelling obscenities when nobody's around, and my room looks like hurricane city when I'm done expressing. Clothes and soft things all over the place - nothing broken, though. If I didn't do it, I'd want to engage in real combat all the time.
If I have anger or fear that I don’t pay attention to, my imagination steps in and embellishes on whatever triggered it. Boy, can I write some good stories! The problem is, I believe them. It’s weird how in that state of mind my stories seem so real and true. I’m sure I can read other people’s minds, I know what motivates them without ever having to ask them, I generalize and form wild theories about humanity from my own very small experience.
And of course I imagine that the world is a place where nobody is safe and nobody is reliable. Which triggers off more anger or fear. And the more afraid and angry I feel, the more justified I think I am in “protecting” myself by attacking whoever triggered it off in the first place. Then I feel guilty and get into the debate, am I right, am I wrong. Since there’s no answer to that because everybody’s right if you look at them from their own perspective, I get angry and scared again.
It’s a kind of cycle of madness. Scary thing, my mind. If I don’t catch my anger or fear and do something about it I slip easily into that cycle, and sometimes I’m in it before I realize it. It makes me feel very righteous, but always at somebody else’s expense, and nine times out of ten I forget that that somebody is as human and possibly vulnerable as I am. It used to be that either I’d stay angry or afraid, acting out in a way that creates enemies for me and possibly even harms people, or I’d suppress my emotions and they’d start popping out at very inappropriate moments.
I used to think that the saying people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones meant if you’ve done something wrong don’t blame other people for doing the same thing. Now I think it means we’re all vulnerable, none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes. We all live in a glass house. Pay attention to what’s happening to you instead of judging others.
Pointing fingers doesn’t achieve anything except foster fear and hostility, and people who are good at it can really make the targets of their accusation feel worthless. But how does that help? When somebody makes me feel worthless I don’t exactly want to co-operate with them. It‘s unlikely to start a movement of better behavior. It just whips up anger and fear. And pretty soon everybody’s saying “it’s not my fault, you started it”.
Which is loads of fun for the ego, but it doesn’t make anyone happy. One thing I’ve learned, it doesn’t matter how much somebody’s behavior outrages me, I’ll never be able to persuade them to change by attacking them – even if it’s just telling them they’re wrong - because it’ll make them shut the door on me. I shut the door on people who attack me, why shouldn’t they? Because I’m right? Well, I’m not, from their perspective.
I’m not saying I have to like what other people do. I don’t. But I think there’s a big difference between I don’t like what you do or say and I’m pronouncing you bad and wrong. That’s why I always love it when therapists say so how does it make you feel? It kind of brings everything down to earth and back to reality.
Haven’t we all been so heavily conditioned with the concept of right and wrong? But it isn’t exactly an independent, solid and immovable reality is it? Even though we treat it like one. It’s more like a concept that we’ve evolved to help us feel powerful in the face of people we disagree with and to justify persecuting them. It’s also been useful in religions which rely on power structures.
I find it really hard to get away from, even though it’s so counterproductive and energy consuming. I have to constantly remind myself, this isn’t about right and wrong. I realized something a while ago, which helps me remember. The minute I find myself judging somebody as being wrong or bad – and it happens all the time, confessions of a – you got it, a sinner - it’s because they’ve pressed a button in me that I don’t want to look at.
Blast, I hate having to be responsible and accountable.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Well Jennifer being engaged in war we believe we are the good guys fighting the bad guys but the truth is our enemy are told the same thing. The ordinary people of a nation want to live in peace it's the power structures that brain was them and send them off to fight.That's absolutely it, David. It's so frustrating.
"We’re all vulnerable, none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes." - I tried to teach that to my children early on. Not to expect perfection from themselves, or others, or they'd be in for a lot of disappointment. I also taught them not to judge others since it's very true that until you're in someone else's shoes, there's no way you could know what you would do. Good article Jennifer. I always like hearing what you have to say and can always relate. Thanks.Thanks, Brianna. I reckon your children have had a great teacher in you, they're lucky!
Written with your usual passion, humor and fervor. You make some good points for us, your readers, to ponder. Sending you an e-hug across the miles! I like your new photo of you peeking around the corner! Is that a dimple?And I'm sending one back to you! Yip, it's a dimple! Got one on the other side too :)
Very astute reasoning. There is nothing wrong with this article at all. Very well done!Thanks, Michael!
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