Dreams That Come True – Entitlement, Asking, Claiming; Yes I Can

A couple of years ago Oprah did a show on a young girl living on the street but still doing her schoolwork, desperate to get an education.  Oprah gave her an apartment and paid for school and college.  The girl was blown away.  It was very moving for all sorts of reasons.

She was such a bright kid, and so courageous.  And Oprah had really pulled out all the stops, giving the girl  things that were very meaningful to her.  So that was beautiful and made me happy.  But as I watched I also despaired for myself.  In comparison to that girl I felt so undeserving, and I couldn’t get my head around the fact that unless I was living on the street I didn’t deserve help.

I’ve had many times of not being able to generate money, with nothing in my purse, bank account or fridge.  I had very few clothes and my car didn’t work.  But I had friends who could bring me food, and I could borrow enough money from my mother to pay rent.  And even though I paid a huge emotional price for it, I didn’t land on the street.

Plus I could go to therapy, repairing self esteem, learning a different way of looking at life.  Understanding the different components of my mind, facing the truth of my behavior and what drove it.  Laying a new foundation that would let me live and breathe freely, express myself unconditionally and enjoy success in a way that’s meaningful for me.   Understanding and freeing myself from my codependent relationship with my mother – which was where all the problems started anyway.

I clung to the idea that when I’d reached a certain momentum of change on the inside, my world would begin to change, but it was hard, because in that period I got poorer and poorer, so I questioned the process, my deservability and myself all the time.  Not to mention God, the Universe, my therapist - you name it.  I thought about asking Oprah for help but I couldn’t believe she’d be interested in me.  My journey so far has been pretty epic for me.  But everybody’s journey is epic for them.

I knew how hard I was fighting to find my sanity and keep it, and to work towards building entitlement and belief in myself.  Dealing with a past that crashed in on my present often without warning; paralyzing me, leaving me unable to decipher where reality was; facing a rabid inner critic and monumental fear.  But I wondered what Oprah would see.  I needed financial help, but would she think I merited it?  The amount that I had to suffer emotionally before I deserved the kind of help that young girl got seemed like a bottomless pit. 

It’s funny how a big crisis takes you back to the root cause of it and everything else that has never worked in your life.  After bankruptcy I became dependent on my mother.  She kept me alive, but did it reluctantly and punished me emotionally in ways I’m still reeling from.  The more she helped me the more worthless and guilty I felt for being vulnerable.  And every time I had a crisis she’d manufacture a bigger one for herself.  It took a long time for me to realize I was reliving my childhood with her.

That’s of course where the idea came from – that unless I was in massive crisis I didn’t deserve any kind of help.   And even if I did get it, it wouldn’t be so I could flourish, it would be to just survive.  If I flourished my mother wouldn’t have any power over me.   That was quite a realization!   I’d spent my life believing the myth that she was the tragic heroine in our family.  But she wasn’t.  Narcissists are very powerful.  They survive and it doesn’t matter to them who pays.  They also live in a bubble of untruth, self-delusion and refusal to be accountable. 

It was like facing death for me to accept that, but over time with incredible help I did, 5 months ago, and it gave me the momentum to finally shut the door.  I didn’t know what I was going to do for money, even within a couple of weeks.   But I did know I was never ever going to let anybody manipulate and hurt me like that again.  And I was never going to let my mother in again.

It was as if the room I was living in was suddenly flooded with light.  I saw clearly that I don’t have to be controlled by that boa constrictor of an idea which keeps my mother on top and dessicates me.  And it became clearer and clearer to me that you don’t have to suffer to get help.  You just have to be aware of what you need, and entitle yourself to ask.  And know that you don’t have to grovel, and you do have the right to not let anybody manipulate you in your vulnerability.  We’re all allowed to flourish, to ask for whatever we need for that to be able to happen.

Ten years of therapy had laid the foundation for that moment of glory.  In that time I also learned to make friends with people who don’t have an agenda.  People with generous hearts, able to love and receive love from me.   Many of those people are here at SearchWarp.  A place where I belong.  I have goose bumps as I write this.  I don’t really know how to thank you all enough.  You’ve brought so much to my life – support, love, empathy, humor, wisdom, great writing - and have been such an important part of me being able to turn things around for myself.  I haven’t reached fame and fortune yet! but I have received significant help that’s taken me off the breadline, and given me time to complete some writing projects.  And I haven’t paid an emotional price for it.

My therapist was right.  Fix things on the inside and the outside starts to change.  So things are moving along just fine.  I have love and warm friendships in my life, I’m even having some fun by God, and I feel inspired about my today.  That’s enough for me.  These days I joke about Oprah discovering me, and of course I want that,  I could handle a trip to Chicago and a seat in the hot spot on Oprah’s show.  Not to mention the makeover and outfit!  I imagine it would be loads of fun, if nothing else.  Also it would be an amazing stroke, of course it would.  I really do admire Oprah for what she’s achieved. 

But I don’t have the sense that I’m waiting for her permission any more.  I don’t need it.  I’m not even waiting for God’s or the Universe’s permission.  I’ve realized they gave it to me when I was conceived.  I just had to claim it.  And I am.  With a lot of help from my friends.