Bullies, Boundaries, Being Nice and Being Strong
Posted: Tuesday, June 07, 2011
by Jennifer Stewart
Stepping out of History
I’ve had a sobering experience that’s reminded me how much work I still have to do on not rescuing other people at my expense. I started riding lessons before Easter. I loved my first lesson, loved the school, loved my horse, my teacher. But in my second lesson the teacher yanked my foot out of the stirrup and pushed my leg up at a horrible angle to adjust the stirrup. It hurt like hell, but then it seemed fine.
Until later. Obviously I’d pulled something. She’d pulled something. It went from sore to incredibly sore to agony. I had to stop riding. 7 weeks and R2500 later, with more costs to come, I’m finally just beginning to mend, but oh so slowly. At first I could take anti-inflammatories and pain killers, but they started interfering with the stuff I take for epilepsy and giving me convulsions at night. Charming. So I can to stop, which meant I can’t stand for longer than a minute or so at a time and I can’t sit. So I’ve been on my back in bed for over a week now. At least the nightly convulsions have stopped.
Today I had to take an anti-inflammatory so I could drive to be x-ray’d and thank God and the Universe it’s not a spinal injury. Just a muscular one, which means I have to be patient, do my physio exercises and stay strong in my head. No use playing the what-if game when you’re stuck in bed and your world has kind of ground to a halt. No use fighting that either. I can’t do computer work, but I can read and rest and edit my script and ebook – and think. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s kind of lonely, though.
You’d think my riding teacher and the admin person would have done everything in their power to apologize, and try to help me feel better. Well, they did the opposite, they tried to make me feel guilty. I paid for 14 lessons upfront and have had 2. But when I first asked – nicely – for credit, I was reminded I signed an indemnity form saying that if I injured myself I absolved them of responsibility. Don’t remember a clause saying if the teacher injures me it’s my fault.
When I explained that the teacher’s actions had injured me, I still tried to be nice about it. Big mistake. I got more of “it’s not our fault”. Okaay. Here’s the sobering part. I doubted myself, and upped the “be nice” mode. Why do I do that? It’s old stuff. I’m afraid to say to somebody you hurt me. Every time I’ve tried it significantly in my life I’ve been as significantly nailed, or criticized for being aggressive.
There’s still a part of me that so wants people to love me and like me and is so scared of being punished that I want to let it ride when somebody hurts me. I found myself in that mode. I just couldn’t say this is bullshit. The teacher hurt me so please take responsibility. Instead I made a trillion excuses for them. It didn’t make them be nicer to me, of course. In fact the teacher said the injury wasn’t her fault because I came to the lesson with a sore back anyway. Which I didn’t. But I got confused. Were the drugs in my system messing with my head? Was I trying to make them pay for something that was really my responsibility?
But how long can you be nice to somebody who doesn’t give a damn that they’ve hurt you? Fortunately, sanity returned. So I called up and said, the teacher is responsible and I’d like credit for 12 lessons. End of story. I got the credit, but begrudgingly, almost spitefully, and only when I got aggressive. It was awful. The prophecy fulfilled. Stand up for yourself and you get punished. It’s hard to explain why it was so painful. A really vulnerable part of me got exposed there.
I’ve missed everybody on SearchWarp like crazy. Today was the first day I’ve been able to sit down for over a week, and it’s such a relief to post something, to make the connection again. It’s only because I took that anti-inflammatory - and it’s starting to wear off already. But at least I’ve seen your faces and read a few status comments.
And all is not lost. My muscles will recover and my life will get back on track. I will get back to riding and fulfilling this dream of connecting with a horse. And I’ve learned a good lesson. The people who don’t like me to stand up for myself – I don’t need them to like me or love me. I don’t like them, and I don’t want them in my world. So if I start standing up for myself all the time, in big things and small things, I’ll whittle those people right out of my life. As for being nice to people who don’t return the favor? It’s enough now.
Today I had to take an anti-inflammatory so I could drive to be x-ray’d and thank God and the Universe it’s not a spinal injury. Just a muscular one, which means I have to be patient, do my physio exercises and stay strong in my head. No use playing the what-if game when you’re stuck in bed and your world has kind of ground to a halt. No use fighting that either. I can’t do computer work, but I can read and rest and edit my script and ebook – and think. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s kind of lonely, though.
You’d think my riding teacher and the admin person would have done everything in their power to apologize, and try to help me feel better. Well, they did the opposite, they tried to make me feel guilty. I paid for 14 lessons upfront and have had 2. But when I first asked – nicely – for credit, I was reminded I signed an indemnity form saying that if I injured myself I absolved them of responsibility. Don’t remember a clause saying if the teacher injures me it’s my fault.
When I explained that the teacher’s actions had injured me, I still tried to be nice about it. Big mistake. I got more of “it’s not our fault”. Okaay. Here’s the sobering part. I doubted myself, and upped the “be nice” mode. Why do I do that? It’s old stuff. I’m afraid to say to somebody you hurt me. Every time I’ve tried it significantly in my life I’ve been as significantly nailed, or criticized for being aggressive.
There’s still a part of me that so wants people to love me and like me and is so scared of being punished that I want to let it ride when somebody hurts me. I found myself in that mode. I just couldn’t say this is bullshit. The teacher hurt me so please take responsibility. Instead I made a trillion excuses for them. It didn’t make them be nicer to me, of course. In fact the teacher said the injury wasn’t her fault because I came to the lesson with a sore back anyway. Which I didn’t. But I got confused. Were the drugs in my system messing with my head? Was I trying to make them pay for something that was really my responsibility?
But how long can you be nice to somebody who doesn’t give a damn that they’ve hurt you? Fortunately, sanity returned. So I called up and said, the teacher is responsible and I’d like credit for 12 lessons. End of story. I got the credit, but begrudgingly, almost spitefully, and only when I got aggressive. It was awful. The prophecy fulfilled. Stand up for yourself and you get punished. It’s hard to explain why it was so painful. A really vulnerable part of me got exposed there.
I’ve missed everybody on SearchWarp like crazy. Today was the first day I’ve been able to sit down for over a week, and it’s such a relief to post something, to make the connection again. It’s only because I took that anti-inflammatory - and it’s starting to wear off already. But at least I’ve seen your faces and read a few status comments.
And all is not lost. My muscles will recover and my life will get back on track. I will get back to riding and fulfilling this dream of connecting with a horse. And I’ve learned a good lesson. The people who don’t like me to stand up for myself – I don’t need them to like me or love me. I don’t like them, and I don’t want them in my world. So if I start standing up for myself all the time, in big things and small things, I’ll whittle those people right out of my life. As for being nice to people who don’t return the favor? It’s enough now.
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More commentsHi Jennifer, Great article, hope you heal quickly. Just curious, however, what kind of health care does South Africa offer now?
Best......eThanks, e. We have some state hospitals but the treatment you can get is often terrible - they're under-funded and understaffed. All medical aid is private. I can't afford it, so I've just got to pay, and what I can't pay for I can't have!
We couldn't have had more different up bringings Jennifer, but we are so much alike in so many ways. Making excuses, not getting mad (I always say I don't do man). I was taught to turn the other cheek, somedays it stings more than others. Your title is perfect. There will always be bullies but don't change, keep being who you are. I have to think you will come out ahead in the end. You know good over evil and all that. Nice to hear from you. I too have been away for a while and missed you as well.Brianna the other day I was feeling so mis and I remembered you telling me about a friend who'd needed you to listen, and you did - in fact you cried with her. Remembering that made me bawl like a baby, but I felt a whole lot better afterwards! Thanks for your faith in me :)Well really Jennifer. What are friends for? :) Hope you're feeling better these days!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Jen. You put into words the emotions that so many of us go through. Hope you get to feeling better soon!Thanks, Bruce :) It's been so amazing getting all this love from everybody here. Sorry I've taken so long to respond.
Take care of yourself Jennifer and get well soon.Thanks, David.
Take care of yourself. I guess these are problems we face third world. Customer relationship management and so on isn’t well defined concepts for most Iranian companies as I noticed in my work setting. I admit this is USA Advantage over Iran.Hi Yosef! Nice to see you, and thanks for commenting.
Hi Jennifer, I was wondering about your silence over the past week and am sorry for your injury plus plus. Those people are inconsiderate to treat their "student" this way. So unreasonable. We SW friends all hear your unfair encounter but anyway, happy to see you again and take care !Hi Hilda, thanks for thinking of me! I'll be back properly soon, I hope :)
You done good. You got your credits. If it makes you feel any better, your article was vivid and righteous and made me want to spit! It also helped everyone feel those times when there is no way of "evening" out suffering. No one apologizes like you wish they would. And if they did, it still wouldn't help like you think it would. When life is like this, I read Ecclesiastes 3, clench my fist, close the Bible, and greet the next moment like nothing happened. Looking forward to your next post accident article. Love yourself with a renewed sense of self care. Take a Tai Chi course to give yourself a new sense of inner calm. Let this experience move you to a new level that you would not have had without it.Thanks for this great comment, Christofer!
Maybe I'm just not interested in stuff that seems like it ought to be in a personal blog.Ah well, Gary, can't please all the people all the time!
Jennifer, unfortunately you are so very right. Especially when people ARE wrong, it seems, they respond worse and re-abuse the person who has been wronged, truly adding insult to injury. It is so sadly true: Be nasty or be used. I hope your injury mends soon and you truly are back in the saddle again!Hey, George, it's good to see you. Thanks for your support :)
Jennifer I love to read your writing. It's so damn honest, open and uncensored about your life. I hope you mend well.
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