Tyler Perry Talks to Oprah About Innocence Lost & Finding The Way Back & Give Me Hope & Inspiration

Oprah’s interview of Tyler Perry talking about his experience of abuse in childhood and his recovery was flighted here yesterday, the day after, in therapy, I opened that scary and painful door into facing the loss of my own innocence as a little girl, and what it did to me.  I didn't even mean to open the door, or I wasn't conscious that I meant to!  I was talking about how things were clear for me at one point in my life but they’ve become so muddied, I’ve become so confused right deep down in the core of me, and I have to fight so hard for clarity.

Sitting there in therapy it seemed there was a time when I had clear vision.  The image came up of me standing in a field; the sky was blue and I could see forever.  There was nobody around, not one other person in the whole world.  Then there was another part of me running in the dark, stumbling, terrified.  Pursued.  I can’t see my way.  My vision doesn’t work.  I’ve never had such a visceral realization of those two parts of me.  I guess I've never let myself feel just the emotions of them, I've always overlaid them with intellectual "realizations" - which can be a very effective anesthetic.

When did it become dark?  I sat, scrolling through my memory, scanning for that moment but I couldn’t find it.  I started to get a sensation in my mouth which I remember having in my early teens, although I can’t remember when it started.  It would happen when I was going to sleep.  My tongue would start to feel as though it was swelling and it would just get bigger and bigger.  In my mind I could see a white kind of picket fence, quite high and something spilling over it, overwhelming me. 

I really don't have words for the feeling of revulsion.  If I opened my eyes and forced myself awake, the horror would fade.  But as soon as I succumbed to the desire to sleep it would start again.  I had it for years.  Eventually it faded, but I started having nocturnal epilepsy.  I've never dealt with it in therapy.  I guess it's right at the core of things and I've had to dismantle a lot of other stuff first.  I've had to rebuild myself so that I'm safe enough and I won't fall apart.  I've had to learn that I can trust my therapist.  Ten years of learning.

That sensation of my tongue swelling started happening in therapy yesterday, but I still couldn’t find the time when my vision became unclear and things got dark.  All I knew was that it had something to do with sex.  My therapist said it sounded like the loss of innocence. Time stopped for me for a while and the world stood completely still as I let myself just feel without trying to describe, and without protest.

When you get abused in childhood you’re never the same again.  Life gets very confusing.  Nothing is safe.  It’s dark inside your world. There’s no place to go, no person to turn to.  For me it wasn't just about sexual abuse, but it did play a big part.  I remember some things, but I know there are others that I just can't let myself remember yet.  When I controlled that tongue sensation yesterday I knew I was closing the door again, but I didn't lock it.

I'll go back there, but not on my own, and only when I'm ready.  I don't believe in forcing things.  We remember when we can handle the memory.  The most I can do now is acknowledge that something's there and I will get to it when I can.  Yesterday Tyler Perry talked about how he would find this park in his head where kids were playing, happy and safe, loved.  He would go there when his father abused him.

I realized, the image I had of that place where my vision is clear isn’t before I lost my innocence, it’s the place I went to after I lost it, like Tyler’s park.  Trying to describe what it was like for him as a child, Tyler said: something in you dies.  I think it’s rather that the spirit of the innocent child goes into a place you can’t reach.

When you dissociate, you move into your teens and early adulthood absolutely lost.  Acting out, taking drugs, stealing, being promiscuous.  Lashing out at society or people or yourself.  Hell-bent on destruction, seeking a way to escape the pain of acknowledging that your innocence is lost and your spirit is in a coma.

But miraculously it calls out to you constantly, and slowly you start to hear.  I began to find my  way back to it, because it’s the core of who I am.  It’s been a rough journey and a long one.  Trying to make sense of the confusion, learning how and who to trust, how to forgive yourself, how to rebuild the foundation of your life and develop a core capacity to self-protect so that it never happens again.

It’s the long way round, and anybody who's chosen it knows how badly you often want to just take a short cut.  But short cuts don’t work, I've tried them - lots of them!  They always landed me back where I was when I chose them.  The thing is, no matter how challenging the journey, no matter how many times you want to stop it, the rewards along the way are so frequent and worth hanging in for.  It's really about coming alive again - the spirit coming out of its coma.

When Oprah asked Tyler what he would say now to the innocent child that he was, his reply was that he’d do the best he could with his life to honor the child and what he went through.   I say to the child in me.  I hear you, it’s safe to come out of hiding.  You didn’t got through that for nothing.  I’ll never let myself be abused again.  Like Tyler, I’ll spend the rest of my life doing the best I can with what I’ve got, embracing life in a safe way. I honor the dreams you had and I’ll do what I can to make them a reality. 

Oprah has often said that when somebody tells their story on her show there’s always somebody somewhere in the world who needed to hear it.  After my experience in therapy it was amazing to switch on Oprah and hear Tyler Perry speak of his own story which had many similarities to mine – not in the type of abuse, but in how her responded, and what his experience was.  I needed to hear him take himself and his experience seriously, and to see how much Oprah honored that.

Thank you Tyler Perry.  You really inspired me with your honesty, with how much you're in touch with your emotions, and with what you've done with your life so far.  It's remarkable.  You give me hope for myself.  And thank you Oprah, for letting Tyler tell his story and for your warm and empathetic response.  You both touched my heart, reminded me that I'm okay, and left me with a renewed sense of how beautiful life can be when there's courage, honesty and love.