Blood In The Water & Learning To Avoid Predators; Getting Safe Enough To Recall & Heal Old Traumas

I never heard the phrase blood in the water until a month or so ago, when Oprah brought it up in her Tyler Perry interview.  He was talking about how when a child is molested or abused sexually, it leaves a mark that’s visible to predators.  It’s more than a mark, it’s like a vibration or something that predators find their way towards.  Like sharks find blood in the ocean.

I carried that mark for most of my life without realizing it.  Looking back I can see how my doors were open for predators of all sorts, not just sexual.  Once I understood that I was a target for them and that it was up to me to learn to close my doors, I spent a lot of energy and time getting my head around the theory.  I thought that was protection enough, but it wasn’t.

Intellectual understanding on its own doesn’t enable change.  It doesn’t touch your heart.  The only thing that does is unconditional love.  I had theories about that too, that it was just about feeling warm and fuzzy.  But it’s much more than that.  For me it was about getting quality attention, being allowed to speak and express; being heard and appreciated.  Having all my questions answered intelligently.  Never being dismissed, never  judged.

Being taught how to listen to and express emotions safely, how to set boundaries.  Being taken seriously, being celebrated, applauded, congratulated.  Being enjoyed,  remembered, defended, getting sane teaching about how life and people work.  Learning the different parts of my own mind, and how they operate.   

Over the years, as I’ve experienced this quality of love consistently from somebody I trust, I’ve started to believe I deserve it.   I know I have value now, I don’t just think it and hope for it.  I’m much clearer about what I like, want and need.  I’m not as afraid of the world, and I find myself accessing solutions, relating to people more assertively but not aggressively.  With a more open heart.  I take myself and my needs pretty seriously and I’m not ashamed of that.  I’m doing for myself what’s been done for me for more than ten years.

I see predators much more easily.  They don’t get close to me any more.  It’s not over though.  As I’ve gotten stronger and safer within, something else is rising to the surface.  Something I’ve dissociated from.  Possibly an earlier experience or maybe just fully connecting to what I know happened.  I remember some of it, but not all and I’ve got no emotions about it.  It’s not a Kodak moment kind of memory, it’s more like a wild protest don’t touch me, get away from me that just flashes alive in me, sometimes with very minimal provocation.  Ferocious.

Life is a strange thing.  On one hand there’s what I want to do with my talents and dreams.  But this stuff on the inside, these traumas, have left wounds that have hobbled me so far because I learned I was such a nobody and had no rights.  They don’t hobble everybody, so it’s not only about what happens to you, it’s about who you are, what you’re able to do.   Look at Oprah and Tyler Perry.  They managed to get past it.  Somehow I didn’t and that’s got to do with me.  I have to forgive myself.   I do often wish I’d been able to be like them, but I’m not, I’m me.  At least I’ve got to a point of being able to mobilize myself now and that’s what matters the most.

The thing is, if I push this away, even if I achieve “success” I’ll reach a point of coming back full circle to face it, so I might as well do it now.  Wounds don’t just disappear with time.  They need my conscious participation to be able to heal.  Facing this stuff would have derailed me once, but not any more.  I can still carry on building my life and facing the last remnants of the history I’m stepping out of.