Steve Jobs Helps Me With A Dilemma That Has Nothing To Do With Technology

It’s funny how life, at unexpected moments, brings unexpected people into your world to help answer a question that you didn’t even know you were asking. If that makes any sense. I guess what I’m saying is I had a dilemma I wasn’t aware of, and somebody I’ve never met and never will helped me realize the dilemma was there and also how to resolve it.

That somebody is Steve Jobs, and he didn’t help me with anything technological. I’ve been preparing for my audition in November to study at jazz vocals at university, and I’ve told myself I’m doing it to be in an environment that encourages, holds and teaches me. So that I keep doing it and don’t run. It’s too easy to run when things get scary if you’re doing something on your own. And singing for some reason opens up the gates of hell for me.

I’ve always run from that fear, but I’ve had enough of doing that, so, I thought, university it is if they’ll have me. I had a plan in place, and part of it was to take a few lessons to improve my sight-reading and recognizing intervals, because it’s one of the requisites for the audition. I was all settled, had it all worked out, sure of what I was going to do. Then reading about Steve Jobs, I learned he dropped out of college because he wanted to follow his heart in what he studied and not do courses that were prescribed but not interesting to him.

I wondered about that, if I was heading for the same experience. I didn’t wonder too much, though, but obviously something got triggered off in me. And it gathered momentum. Yesterday I called a local music college to find out about sight-reading and aural lessons. I found out they do degrees, and you can do it part-time. Plus you have your own teacher and you can learn what you want. It’s a small college and it’s much more flexible. As I spoke to the woman who called I felt the fear rise up in me again. Perhaps because I was actually facing the reality of re-engaging. I wanted to run again. Give up on this cockamamie idea of singing and just settle for being a writer.

Instead I settled my emotions and thought some more. Maybe I haven’t been utterly truthful with myself about why I want to go to university. I’m wondering how much of this desire is actually about wanting to change the past, and how much I longed to be clever enough to go when I was 17. I failed at school, I was an outsider, and I felt like a worthless nobody. A lot of my classmates went onto university. My brother did too. I’ve carried the shame of not having been good enough for a long time.

Thinking about it today, I could see how desperately I want to have been a child who did well at school, who wasn’t molested or raped, who was happy in her family, believed in herself and had a place in the world. Who left school and went to university, where she was embraced, and shone, and was happy. That’s something that everybody wants for their children, and it’s what we all want for the child that we were. Maybe, without realizing it, I’ve been hoping I can turn back time. But I can’t.

It was quite a peaceful moment, acknowledging that, and forgiving the young girl that I was, in a way. It wasn’t filled with regret or pain or anything, and it let to understanding that my healing won’t come from trying to redo the past, but from really listening to my heart and doing what I need to do now, what will bring me the most fulfillment. Do I really want a university degree? Well, it carries a status, it’s kind of a glittering prize in my mind, because of what it symbolizes.

But in reality status is as dry as a piece of cardboard. It doesn’t touch my heart or my soul. Is it the only reason I want to be at university? What I want is to be taken seriously, and to give myself the best prospects. I want to get on the road of singing, find my own place in it, and get strong enough in it so that I don’t run any more. I’ve done it with writing. There was a time when writing terrified me, and I ran all the time. But I kept coming back, and I’ve finally gotten strong enough in it to be able to stay. Fear comes up some times, but I deal with it, I don’t run any more.

So that’s what I want with my singing. And that’s the most important reason for wanting to study. University might be the right place, but this other smaller, more flexible college might be better. Maybe I don’t really want to be part of a big inflexible institution any more than Steve Jobs did. I can try the smaller college for a term, starting next Friday, see what it’s like. I can still prepare for and do the university audition and then I’ll be able to make an informed choice.

So my dilemma isn’t totally resolved, but it’s out in the open and my options have gotten more expansive. And all because I read about Steve Jobs and his college experience. I feel as though his spirit touched me in a quiet, gentle way, like the caress of an angel.